Virginians, Here’s What Happened After an Aunt Asked Reddit If She Could Keep Her Sister Away at Thanksgiving

If you’re hosting Thanksgiving in Virginia this year, the thought of keeping a problematic relative off your guest list may have drifted through your mind.

But how rude is it?

One aunt took that question to Reddit’s popular AITA forum, where people ask strangers to judge whether they were in the wrong.

She posted an update the next day.

Virginians, here’s how things turned out after the aunt asked whether she could keep her sister away from her Thanksgiving table.

A Host and Her Sister

The aunt in this story hosts Thanksgiving every year, according to a Someecards write-up of her Reddit post.

The post says she always invites her adult niece and nephew.

She says she hasn’t had a relationship with her sister in more than 20 years.

She writes that few people close to her know that history and that her husband is the only person she can ask for advice.

Invitation Without Asking

According to the post, the aunt’s niece, who is 21, invited the niece’s parents to Thanksgiving without asking the aunt first.

The aunt says the invitation followed a voicemail from her sister about the holiday.

She acknowledges that her niece hopes to see her parents and says she doesn’t want to stand in the way.

Even so, she says she’s afraid there’s too much hurt there, and she isn’t sure she can host them while she’s celebrating.

She says she messaged her sister about those concerns.

No reply yet, she writes.

She asked the forum whether she’d be in the wrong for not letting her sister and her sister’s boyfriend come.

Verdicts From the Comments

Of the ten commenters Someecards features, five rule that the aunt isn’t in the wrong.

None of the ten rule against her.

One of them tells her that looking after herself doesn’t make her a bad person, and that keeping the niece happy isn’t her job.

Another commenter calls the niece’s wish understandable but says inviting the parents without checking first wasn’t okay.

One more says the sister and the boyfriend shouldn’t attend.

One commenter says the niece could see her parents another time, and another adds that she could host Thanksgiving herself.

Conversation First

One commenter suggests starting with a single conversation among the niece, the sister and the sister’s boyfriend.

That commenter adds that the choice to stay home belongs to the niece or the nephew, not the aunt.

On the other side, a Cornell Chronicle story on Karl Pillemer’s estrangement research says even unsuccessful attempts to reconcile sometimes led to greater peace of mind.

The story follows one woman who was cut off from day-to-day family interactions and holiday gatherings after a rift with her parents.

Pillemer writes that people who are estranged from a family member feel deep sadness.

The story draws on a survey of more than 1,300 people.

Pillemer found that 27% of Americans 18 and older had cut off contact with a family member.

That figure covers any relative.

By relationship, 8% reported being estranged from a sibling, 10% from a parent or child and 9% from extended family.

What Happened Next

In her update, the aunt thanked commenters.

She added that she’s new to Reddit and didn’t expect that many replies.

Then came her decision.

The aunt wrote that she has decided: Her sister won’t be joining Thanksgiving.

She planned to tell her sister that night, she wrote.

According to the update, her sister can still see the niece and nephew before the two come to her house.

Handling Extra Guests

Emily Post's Thanksgiving guide says there's usually room for one more person at the table.

It asks any guest bringing company to raise it with the host ahead of time.

For hosts, it urges being as accommodating as possible to extras.

It also calls the holiday a celebration that encourages inclusion.

The institute's party guide urges hosts to stay gracious about a surprise guest.

No polite host sends an uninvited guest away, it adds.

In its wedding guidance, Emily Post calls it impolite for a guest to assume a date is welcome, and says a host isn't rude to decline.

Boundaries at the Table

Virginia Commonwealth University Health's holiday boundaries guide advises you to think ahead about topics that tend to start arguments.

It also advises deciding what you aren't comfortable discussing and keeping a list of non-negotiables.

Clinical psychologist Jennifer Gilbert suggests having something short and simple to say that feels true to you.

She also says you shouldn't feel pressured to decide right away whether to attend.

In her view, you aren't the cause of other people's emotions and don't have to take on their guilt trips.

If a conversation turns tense, she lists excusing yourself to get some water as one way out.

Ground Rules for the Host

Rush University Medical Center psychologist Abigail Hardin suggests hosts set ground rules as soon as guests arrive.

She describes a boundary as a way of respecting yourself.

Trying to force relatives to change, she says, is unlikely to work.

She also asks everyone to give each other a little grace.

The Rush article advises staying calm, empathetic and firm if you need to remind guests of a rule.