20 Passive-Agressive Habits That Quietly Destroy Friendships in New York

Friendships need honesty, respect, and effort. But passive-aggressive behavior quietly erodes all three, and it happens more often than people think.

Even in New York, where teasing is common and people are known for tough love, there’s a fine line between playful and hurtful.

Here are some of the passive-aggressive moves that slowly chip away at trust between friends.

Giving Backhanded Compliments

It sounds like a compliment, but it stings a little. “You actually look good in that” or “I didn’t expect you to do so well” are classic examples.

These comments are wrapped in flattery but come with a bite. The intention might not be cruel, but the result is often confusion or hurt.

The person on the receiving end is left wondering whether to feel proud or insulted.

Over time, too many backhanded compliments start to chip away at the trust in a friendship.

Ignoring Messages Without Explanation

Everyone gets busy, but when a friend starts leaving messages on read or replying days later with no reason, it sends a clear signal.

It’s not just the delay. It’s the lack of acknowledgement. No “Sorry, I’ve been swamped.” No “Let me get back to you.”

This silence starts to feel like a punishment. And when it becomes a pattern, it makes the other person feel unimportant.

That quiet distance can quickly turn into resentment.

Making “Jokes” at Their Expense

Some people hide criticism behind humor. They’ll say something mean, then follow it with, “Relax, I’m just kidding.”

But if the joke always seems to be about someone’s looks, lifestyle, or past mistakes, it’s not funny anymore.

The person being teased might laugh it off in the moment, but inside, it can start to build up.

Constant jabs disguised as humor are a fast track to mistrust and hurt feelings.

Leaving Them Out Without Saying Why

One of the most painful passive-aggressive habits is excluding a friend from plans, photos, or group chats without any clear reason.

They may find out through social media or mutual friends, and the message is loud: you’re not wanted here.

What hurts most is not knowing why. There’s no conversation, no explanation, just a sudden change.

That kind of silent rejection is hard to forget.

Constantly One-Upping Their Stories

Some people can’t let a friend have a moment. If you had a great weekend, theirs was better. If you got a promotion, they already had a bigger one.

It doesn’t always sound mean. In fact, it often sounds casual. But it shifts the focus away from your joy and back onto them.

Over time, it makes the friendship feel less like support and more like quiet competition.

Friends should celebrate each other, not turn everything into a comparison.

Using Social Media as a Weapon

Instead of having a direct conversation, some friends post pointed quotes, vague captions, or subtweets aimed at someone they’re upset with.

It might be about feeling left out or annoyed, but instead of talking about it, they let the internet do the talking.

The person on the receiving end often knows it’s about them. But because it’s not said directly, there’s nothing to respond to.

This creates a confusing tension that slowly pushes people apart.

Acting Distant Without Saying Anything

Sometimes, it’s not what someone says—it’s what they stop saying. They go from texting every day to barely replying at all.

Plans are brushed off, conversations are short, and affection fades. But when asked, they say everything is fine.

That silent withdrawal leaves the other person guessing and worried.

It builds stress instead of solving anything, and over time, the friendship quietly fades.

Bringing Up Old Mistakes in New Arguments

When a friend brings up something from five years ago every time there’s a disagreement, it’s a sign of unresolved resentment.

Instead of moving forward, the past keeps getting used as a tool for guilt.

Even if the issue was addressed long ago, it’s held like a card to be played when needed.

This habit slowly erodes trust, because it tells the other person that forgiveness was never real.

Pretending Everything’s Fine When It’s Clearly Not

Some people avoid conflict by putting on a smile and saying “I’m fine” even when they’re clearly upset.

The problem is, the tension still shows. It seeps into the tone of voice, body language, or the way they respond.

Their friend might sense something’s wrong but gets shut out from fixing it.

This emotional wall creates distance, even if the words say otherwise.

Offering Help, Then Holding It Over Their Head

A friend offers to do something kind, but later makes little comments about it. “Remember when I helped you move?” or “I guess I always show up when no one else does.”

It turns the favor into a tool for control.

Instead of feeling appreciated, the other person feels guilty or indebted.

True support doesn’t come with strings attached or reminders.

Playing the Victim in Every Disagreement

When conflict comes up, this friend always manages to twist the situation so they look like the one who’s been hurt most.

They avoid accountability by turning every disagreement into proof that they’re being mistreated.

Even valid feedback gets brushed aside in favor of their own complaints.

This makes honest conversation nearly impossible, and slowly chips away at the foundation of mutual respect.

Giving the Cold Shoulder Over Minor Issues

Instead of talking things out, this person goes silent after a small disagreement. No messages, no calls, just distance.

The silence isn’t for space or cooling off—it’s punishment.

The goal is to make the other friend feel bad enough to reach out first, often without even knowing what went wrong.

It’s a power play that creates anxiety and resentment on both sides.

Complimenting Others to Undermine You

It sounds nice on the surface. They’ll praise someone else’s outfit, skills, or success—right in front of you, and often in contrast to something you just shared.

They might say things like, “She really knows how to dress for her age,” right after you’ve talked about a new outfit.

It’s not direct criticism, but it feels targeted. And it often leaves you questioning your worth.

Over time, these comments pile up and create a toxic kind of competition.

Always “Forgetting” Important Things

Some friends never remember your birthday, your big event, or the thing you were nervous about.

But they remember their own milestones just fine, and they expect full support from you.

Forgetting once isn’t a big deal. But when it becomes a pattern, it starts to feel intentional.

It sends the message that your life just isn’t worth remembering.

Giving Gifts That Feel Like Messages

Some passive-aggressive friends give gifts that come with hidden meaning. A book about time management. A fitness tracker. A self-help guide you didn’t ask for.

The gesture is framed as thoughtful, but it’s laced with criticism.

Instead of feeling loved, you’re left wondering what problem they think you need to fix.

This kind of gift-giving adds tension instead of warmth.

Being Overly Polite in a Fake Way

There’s polite, and then there’s overly sweet, robotic politeness that hides real frustration.

You’ll hear things like “Whatever you think is best” or “No worries at all” in a tone that says the opposite.

This behavior avoids honesty while still signaling disapproval.

It keeps conflict just below the surface, where it slowly builds up over time.

Acting Supportive in Public, Critical in Private

Some friends cheer you on when others are watching, but behind closed doors, they nitpick or downplay your wins.

They’ll say things like “I’m happy for you” with a tone that doesn’t match the words.

In public, they look like your biggest fan. In private, they feel more like a skeptic.

It creates confusion and keeps you wondering what’s real.

Keeping Score in the Friendship

This person remembers every favor they’ve ever done for you and expects equal payback.

If you miss one birthday or forget one small gesture, they bring it up later as proof you don’t care.

Friendships aren’t supposed to be transactions, but scorekeepers treat them like ledgers.

Eventually, the friendship stops feeling like a safe space and starts feeling like a list of debts.

Only Reaching Out When They Need Something

You rarely hear from this friend unless they need a ride, a favor, or a last-minute backup for plans.

At first, it feels like they just trust you. But after a while, it becomes clear—they only call when it benefits them.

You start to wonder if the friendship matters, or if you’re just a convenience.

It’s a subtle form of using someone, and it wears thin fast.

Acting Jealous but Pretending Not To Be

This friend insists they’re happy for you, but the energy says otherwise.