Bless Her Heart: 24 “Compliments” That Are Actually Condescending
Some Americans have mastered the art of a double-edged nice comment. Others, more well-intentioned, don’t mean to say something judgmental but end up there just the same. To be fair, it’s hard when so many phrases sound nice but are actually mean.
1: You Clean Up Nicely
“You clean up nicely” begs the question, what did I look like before? While this seems like a nice phrase, it’s blatantly rude.
2: That Actually Turned Out
Anytime someone adds the word “actually” when talking about something you did, beware. The term expresses surprise and reveals a lack of confidence in whatever you were trying to accomplish.
3: How Are You Still Single?
Well-meaning friends might ask this of their single counterparts, but it’s not as nice as it sounds. The unspoken subtext is usually something like, “What’s wrong with you?”
4: Bless Your Heart
Every Southerner knows the brutal insult of “Bless your heart.” What sounds empathetic and kind on the surface typically comes laced with condescension and judgment.
5: Hey, You’re on Time
Calling out someone’s lateness as the norm is never polite, and that’s exactly what this phrase does. Rather than being polite or complimentary, it comes off as condescending. Then again, one could argue that chronically being late isn’t polite either.
6: Don’t Take This The Wrong Way
Whatever comes after “Don’t take this the wrong way” is probably going to be a not-so-indirect insult or crushing critique. It may seem like a nice way of delivering something that “needs to be heard,” but if you have to start a sentence this way, think twice about what you’re going to say.
7: So Young
You might think you’re being nice when you say something like, “That hairstyle makes you look so young,” but any time you bring up someone’s age, you’re risking insult. The subtext here says, “You looked old before.”
8: You’re So Strong
When someone’s going through a hard time, it might seem like pointing out their strength is a good idea. However, saying something like this at the wrong time only brings attention to how terrible the person’s life is at the moment.
9: Just Like You
If you’re looking for the most passive-aggressive of passive-aggressive insults, “It’s just like you to wear a dress like that” is near the top of the list. It’s a great way to insult someone’s fashion taste.
10: I Love That You Don’t Care
Research suggests that most humans try to meet societal expectations for many reasons. Going against the norm can be a very negative experience. The phrase, “I love that you don’t care what people think” can be interpreted as, “It’s great you don’t care because most people wouldn’t approve,” which isn’t a good thing.
11: You Look Great For Your Age
Tying age and beauty together is never necessary. When someone says something like, “You look great for your age,” it’s often interpreted as, “You don’t look that good.”
12: You’re Pretty When You Smile
The unspoken part of this backhanded compliment is that you’re not pretty when you’re not smiling. Putting a qualifier on praise is never a good idea.
13: You’re Smart For a …
Whatever comes after the “a” in this phrase isn’t going to be good. Whether it’s you’re smart for a woman, a child, a business major, or a plumber, this wording suggests you’re only smart within a smaller sect of humanity.
14: You Didn’t Know
“It’s not your fault you didn’t know any better” is all about tone. Though it can be said with empathy, it’s often dripping in judgment. The “you didn’t know any better” can imply you were too dense to understand.
15: You’ve Lost So Much Weight
If someone has been vocal about their weight loss journey, telling them you notice is a real compliment. However, saying “You’ve lost so much weight” to someone who hasn’t told you they’re trying to shed a few pounds isn’t nice. You don’t know whether the person intentionally lost weight or not.
16: Better Looking
While “You’re much better looking in person” is said in the positive, it’s not very kind. You’re basically saying the person looks bad in pictures, which is obviously insulting.
17: Great Job Handling That On Your Own
In the right context, “Great job handling that on your own” can be a compliment. But at other times, it’s an indirect insult. It could imply that you should have accepted the help that others offered.
18: So Many Kids
Think twice before commenting on the size of anyone’s family. As fertility doctor, Lora Shahine, MD, wrote for HuffPost, “reproduction is not small talk.” Plus, saying something like “You’re a saint for having so many kids” almost always reveals you’re judging the couple for having so many children.
19: Hot Partner
A phrase like “Wow, your girlfriend is so gorgeous” breaks multiple social etiquette rules. First, you’re clearly checking out someone else’s significant other. Second, the unspoken part of the sentence is typically, “So what is she doing with you?”
20: You’re Not Like Other Women/Men
Anytime you tell someone they’re not like the others in their social group, you’re exposing more about yourself than you might realize. Even if you mean it to be complimentary, you’re showing that you don’t like something you believe to be inherent about women or men.
21: Fast Metabolism
Making a comment like, “Look at that plate; you must have such a fast metabolism,” is a poorly disguised way of calling someone a pig. No one is going to feel good about eating the food on their plate after hearing something like that.
22: Interesting
Interesting isn’t a bad word, but when it’s the only word someone can think of to describe something, it’s usually not a good thing. Telling someone their outfit or their decorating choices are interesting is often synonymous with calling them odd.
23: Pal
Pal is a synonym for a friend. However, many people say it to those they’ve just met in a degrading way.
24: Handling the Kids
“Wow, you’re handling the kids so well” is often spoken by a primary parent to their spouse, and while the primary parent may mean well, it’s borderline rude. It implies that you’re surprised your partner can handle their own children, which is far from a compliment.
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